Emotions

As I reflected on yesterday’s emotional explosion I realized how much I like being able to feel mad, sad, happy, and every other emotion in between. Emotion especially anger can be very powerful. Sometimes it is not the situation that gives you an emotional reaction that is as important as the emotion your feeling. Emotions allow you to discover new things about yourself. Anger is power and sometimes it allows you to express yourself and make new connections with friends. It bury emotions inside you can rob you of an experience and make it harder for you to express something the next time. Its ok to feel something, take the power recognize what your feeling and use it. Know something are all ways going to hard and upsetting. You can’t change your initial feelings but you can deicide what to do with them and that gives you the power to change your feelings.

Life

I was talking with a friend with CP and we both agree that agree that CP is something that’s not very attractive and it makes people not want to get to know “us”. It’s been my experience with guys more than girls. A very good friend told me “I don't think that's fair...it's saying that people are too superficial to look beyond the physical”. I 'm not saying there are n0t good guys or that all people are superficial, but boys make jokes with their friends and some times the fear of those jokes are enough for people to not let themselves get interested in me even though I pretty out going. Well it not like I feel like this all the time it just bugs me. I don't think I’m going to become bitter or anything. But it’s hard to voice what I’m thinking because people see it but never want to talk about it. They seem to be more mad at me, like I’m being to judgmental. I’m trying not to be and I see people as individuals not as a group. But the urge to be normal is so strong that it is hard not to want to be like everyone else when it’s in your face all day. I respect people more for their differences than there similarities to other people. Even so it would be nice to be seen as normal but people other than my family and close friends.

Slow as a turtle

The Weather has been really bad this last week. It rain and the wind just rips around you like a tornado. It makes it hard for me to get around. A few times this week I nearly fell over during a big wind gust. The clod makes my whole body stiff and not willing to move as fast. This is the most frustrating thing because I have to leave earlier than I would like to get somewhere. In other news I feel more at peace with section aspects of my life. This has been a huge hurtle this year and I am glade I over came it.

Steps

Every time you take a step do you think about it? I do and if I don’t I usually end up kissing the ground and believe me it tastes bad. Some times I wish I could walk down the street and be free to look at all the things around me. Instead I have to STOP and smell the roses so to speak. For every sign I want to read or scene I want to watch I have to stop walking.
I used to hate having to stop walking to watch or see what I want. Now I appreciate having to stop and smell the roses. It allows me to have a chance to think. Everybody is running around so much they don’t have a chance to stop and smell the roses. I do and I’m thankful I get the chance.

Cast 101

I have had my share of casts over the years and I have learned a few things:
Do
1. Use a Vacuum to relive itchiness
2. Buy a multi-pack of colored permit marker
3. Have everybody you know sign it and take photo(most peoples cast smell bad after weeks of use and don’t want to keep them)

Don’t
1. Don’t use a long item to poke into the cast
2. Don’t use water colors to decorate your cast

The Vacuum idea was my doctors and the other things I figured out over the years.

Biography

One of my Professes asked “What would your biography be?” I thought a lot about that over the last few days. I still have no ideas what it would be. My life has been a different to say the lest, but I’m not sure its much of a tale for everyone else. My first chapter would be the most dramatic to say the lest. I was born way to early and pretty sick, but the older I get the better I get, the more like everyone else I become. The book would be just like a normal story. My story does not fit together. The beginning to the story is from another life that does not connect to the end, or maybe it does and I just don’t know it yet.

Special Day

Today is a special day and thanks to a few wonderful family and friends it was great. Things started off wonderful, many supplies awaited me from the moment I woke up. Thing were great for most of the day. Then I got some bad news. Things are ok but not what I hoped for. Never the less things were pretty great today.

Quote of the Day

I can across this quote the other day and thought I would share it, being a dog lover and all.

Dogs lives are shorter than human lives. "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Me and My CP

As I mention earlier I have CP Cerebral Palsy. More precisely I have a form of CP called spastic CP, which affects my balance and how I walk. I have had 2 major surgery since 6th grade. The worst of the 2 had to be the first surgery I remember. I had to have a Triple Pelvic Osteotomy.
The other surgery was not bad and its a little blimp on the radar.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

For anyone that watched tonight you were able to see the importance of challenger baseball teams. When I was younger there was not a program like this for me. I wanted to take this chance to thank all the people that support programs like this either by donations or volunteering. These are the types of programs that help people with disabilities part of the community. So thank you.

Freedom = Water

I fee the most free in the water. I can float with the best of them. Noting matters in the water I could stay all day in the pool just floating in the water, thinking of noting. I might notswim with award winning style but I can get around. I have my own swim stroke and that’s what matters.

There are 2 level playing fields for me: the pool and bowling. Just about every person can float in the pool aid or not you’re still floating. Bowling is something that not very many people excel at any more. If you can push the bowling ball some how that’s what matters. Using your feet, arms, a ramp or a crutch if you can make the ball move your bowling.

I had a great day yesterday just floating along with my friends talking and goofing around like anybody else.

Its Cold Out

Its freezing outside. The wind is cutting through campus like a knife. The sun is shinning and for brief moments its pleasant and then the wind starts blowing. The view from my window is beautiful. The sky is clear the leaves are changing colors, the air smells clean and fresh. The sun is bright and shinning. The weather is so great I will be spending the day working out and I will be getting caught up on school work, friends and sleep.

Finish Line

"In the race for quality, there is no finish line." David Kearms

One of the goofiest books I have read was Geeks: How Two Lost Boys Rode the Internet Out of Idaho. The book was surprisingly good, I understand the power of the internet. It allows me to keep in touch with friends far and wide. I can gain information with a touch of a button. The internet holds the same fascination as books do for me. Reading allows me to gain knowledge and feed my overactive mind. I can focus my thoughts on a story and spend the energy thinking about it and not everything else I have to do. Words amaze and fascinate me. They are a addicting I love learning new words their definitions and where they come from. Now the internet allows everyone to be an author and write their own story.

Always and Never

Yesterday was a downer but things are much better. I just need some perspective. Things could be so much worse for me. I had a baby epiphany last night but was just to tired to write. I have a had a great day and was able to talk to my best friend K. She know what to say but more importantly we go from seriousness to funny in half a second. Perspective is a great thing. Things that seem ugly from one angle look beautiful from another. To me that is the best part of my disability. It gives me a different perspective on life and allows to have amazing experiences that other people can't imagine. It allows me to know who really loves me. The best part of being human for me is the ability to reason with yourself.

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use". Wendell Johnson

Hope

Elephant in the Room

Some days it feels like there is a giant elephant in the room. Yesterday I felt out of sync, lost. I well less normal some days. I try explaining what I’m feeling but can’t because of that dam elephant. Its there everyone can see it but no one talks about it.

The elephant is my CP. I want to say something but am not sure how. I know it keeps people from talking to me. I see it in their faces. We talk and have a good time but the first time they see me get up and walk away its over. They might not know it but they never seem interest again. That elephant is there now and it will not go away now.

I feel like I’m losing relationships every day due to that elephant. People assume I can’t relate to them because of it. Even my friends seem to leave me out of major relationship development. I get left out of a lot of stuff and now people will not talk to me about section things.
I’m a person too. I should confront that dam elephant but I can’t its hard for me. Its like admitting defeat. I don’t want to come on to strong an scare people way but I’m already doing that.

Lonely

Some times I feel like I’m trapped on an island. I’m not like everyone else and sometimes that isolates me. I try hard to keep that from happening but it does. My best-friend K just went on a date with a guy that sounds like a winner. I’m so happy for her, she deserves a winner!!!

But it got me thinking; will I ever go an a real date or fall in love? I want to do everything that’s normal, like everyone else. But I’m not like everyone else and that’s ok. I get it and at times I love it. I want normal, I see my self as normal and dream as if I’m normal. I see my self in the perfected wedding dress.
I hope I get to wear that dress one day, right now waiting to see if that happens is hard and trying. I have great friends and a wonder family, but its hard to stop over thinking.

Does this stuff happen to anyone else?

Most people have pretty ordinary lives. I have been blessed with a not so ordinary life. I hate Squirrels, if you read my post titled Squirrels you will understand. That was just a fraction of the weird stuff that happens to me. So of it was pretty funny, and some off it just sucks. Last night I went to a hockey game. I enjoy watching hockey and its about the only sport I watch. My friends and I were at the game when our school mascots showed up. They were walking through the crowed and spotted me and came over. This in its self is unusual because when people meet me all they notice is my disability. So I was sitting watching the game and the mascot preceded to put is feet on me and just be silly. My friends love it (they were glad it was not them). That was pretty fun.
The other weird thing that happened to me was not a funny and the whole time it was happening I kept thinking “Does this stuff happen to anyone else?” . I was meeting my friend for the game. I was coming from class so I told them I would meet the group half away between the game and the dorm. I decided to sit on the steps of a building while waiting. As I was sitting on the steps I was thinking about how great the weather for October. A woman comes up to me and asks if I’m ok or do I need her to call someone to come get me. Hello, its not like I just fell on the ground. I was sitting on a freaking step perfectly fine. I noticed this woman from a distance and I’m sure she noticed me and my disability and assumed I need help. Thanks for the offer but I’m capable of waiting for my friends without help. If people did everything for me there would be no way I could make it through collage.
People are kind and thats wonderful, but are they only nice to me because of my CP?